20 August, 2016

PCOS and infertility

 This is how I feel today: My husband got short-changed. I got short-changed. Yesterday was one of the most emotionally taxing days of my life. No joke.

My obgyn definitively said she believes I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). So disheartening. My symptoms are that I have irregular cycles that prevent me from ovulating or not ovulating often, my insulin levels are elevated ( no, I do not have diabetes), and that it's damn near impossible for me to lose weight. It was so hard to hear that. I broke down crying because I was just so overwhelmed and emotionally checked out. Not to mention the situation that had happened to me earlier that week. Honestly, I really, really like my ob. She just politely gave me some tissue and said she understands how overwhelming it feels. 

I had a regular cycle last month and according to an OPK, I ovulated. I did get a negative the next day, and then the day after, another positive. My doctor said she couldn't really explain that, but was excited I got a surge. She decided to not put me on a fertility drug yet, which would mean that we would have a chance of conceiving without the risk of multiples. It was a lot to take in… they weren't exactly the results I was hoping for, but I'd resigned myself to just take it one day at a time.

Yesterday was full of heightened emotions. Earlier that week, I saw a post on Facebook from a girl that I used to be really great friends with. She's pregnant. Of all the times, seriously. SERIOUSLY! She always made fun of people who were married and made fun of people with kids. And, even she's having a baby. I'm assuming the constant belittling of marriage and kids was just a facade, but still I digress.

That is just an example of how infertility brings out the worst. It made me angry at another person's joy. Deep down, I am happy for her, as hard as it may seem. I think the universe puts things/people in your life for a reason, and for some reason, it feels she needs this baby. Still, that doesn't negate my own feelings.
 I had been dealing with my mother and even some close friends/family telling me that there was no way I could have PCOS, that I was over-reacting, that is just wasn't possible, that I needed to wait and let my body do what it was going to do, that it was normal for me to have the issues I was having. I know my body, I know what is normal for me, and NONE of the symptoms I had been having were normal for me. The fact that the people I'm so close with were so dismissive of my worries and concerns was not the support I would have expected from these people. Especially with the more or less undying support I have always given them. Knowing now that what I had worried about all along was the correct line of thinking, and not just over-reacting, is almost cathartic in a sense. 

Infertility makes you feel not worthy, it makes you feel sad, it makes you feel like the universe is punishing you, it makes you feel jealous, it makes you feel envious, it makes you feel mad, it makes you mad at everything and worst of all, it makes you feel broken. It makes you feel like you've let your husband down, and yourself. the fact that there is even a chance I'll never be able to conceive naturally; if at all, is utterly terrifying. One of the biggest dreams and wishes in my life, may never happen. 

I have found lately that I have to do a lot of meditating. I had to pray, and ask the universe to forgive me for being so mad at my friend, for being so mad at myself, for being mad at it ( the universe), for feeling sorry for myself, and to be able to accept that I cannot change things. I have PCOS, but I am not PCOS. I truly am happy when I hear of my friends or internet friends getting pregnant. For me, it is what it is, and I will just keep trying. Because in all reality, what else can I do?

I have chosen to show the good and the bad on this blog. I am human; therefore, I err.