07 August, 2016

TTC blog that should have posted 8/4/16

So I wish I could say that this was going to be a happy post, but sadly, it's... Not really at least. Today is Jon's and my one year anniversary of ttc (trying to conceive). Which is utterly devastating. The only thing that has happened outside  of the no success, is that we've become so much stronger as a couple. Which is a wonderful thing in it's own way. 

But that being said, it is truly disheartening to know that we haven't had any sort of success in the last year. And yes, I am very aware that some people take years to be able to conceive. But that doesn't make this any easier or any less important. We want to be parents, and we want to be parents soon. 

Anyone who says "Oh, getting pregnant is the easy part" has obviously never dealt with fertility issues. It's not always that "easy", yes it's fun, that for sure. But you know what's not fun? Never knowing where you are in your cycle, and spending a decent chunk of money every month on HcG tests.... Only to be thoroughly disappointed and heartbroken with negatives or evap lines (don't even fucking get me start on those wee bastards). It's like a small part of your soul just died with every negative. And then every time you go to take a test, you already have this gut feeling of it WILL be negative, because that's what it always is. And the occasional evap/error line where your hopes soar for a moment of two and then come crashing right back down when you realise it's not an actual positive. It's like being punched in the gut and then puched again before you've had time to catch your breath. Excruciating. :(

To the people who mean well when they say "It'll happen", "Don't worry, you have time", "It'll happen when you least expect it", "It'll happen when you stop trying...", or "You just have to wait it out until your body is ready"..... You've obviously never had to ttc, because it is NOT that easy. I get that you're trying to be supportive, but those statements are actually just really hurtful. Even though you don't mean them to be, and here's why. If you've never ttc... Then you have NO idea at all what emotions I'm going through. You've never been in my situation. It's like me telling a cancer patient, "You'll get better, you just have to wait"....how the hell is that even helpful to them? It's not. End of story. Tell me that you feel sympathy to my situation, that you'll pray for me/us (even if it's not my thing, if it's yours, cool), or say something about how you hope we get our BFP (big fat positive) soon. Do not tell me not to worry about it yet, or tell me I have to wait. Fuck that. 

That being said, we're trying to let this bother us much. We are young. But when you see 15,16, and 17 year olds having babies or are on baby number x.... It's really fucking hard to be positive. And realising that I literally have no one who truly understands where I'm at with this, and that's tough. Jon is so very supportive, but there's only so much he can do, or do to understand what's going on with my emotions. I wish I had someone who understood and could help to be there when Jon can't outside of the group of ladies I have on a private Instagram account dedicated to ttc. 

But that's enough. I have a doctor appointment on the 12th. So hopefully that will get some answers. Or at least get me on the path of answers.