This is how I feel today: My husband got short-changed. I got short-changed. Yesterday was one of the most emotionally taxing days of my life. No joke.
My obgyn definitively said she believes I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). So disheartening. My symptoms are that I have irregular cycles that prevent me from ovulating or not ovulating often, my insulin levels are elevated ( no, I do not have diabetes), and that it's damn near impossible for me to lose weight. It was so hard to hear that. I broke down crying because I was just so overwhelmed and emotionally checked out. Not to mention the situation that had happened to me earlier that week. Honestly, I really, really like my ob. She just politely gave me some tissue and said she understands how overwhelming it feels.
I had a regular cycle last month and according to an OPK, I ovulated. I did get a negative the next day, and then the day after, another positive. My doctor said she couldn't really explain that, but was excited I got a surge. She decided to not put me on a fertility drug yet, which would mean that we would have a chance of conceiving without the risk of multiples. It was a lot to take in… they weren't exactly the results I was hoping for, but I'd resigned myself to just take it one day at a time.
Yesterday was full of heightened emotions. Earlier that week, I saw a post on Facebook from a girl that I used to be really great friends with. She's pregnant. Of all the times, seriously. SERIOUSLY! She always made fun of people who were married and made fun of people with kids. And, even she's having a baby. I'm assuming the constant belittling of marriage and kids was just a facade, but still I digress.
That is just an example of how infertility brings out the worst. It made me angry at another person's joy. Deep down, I am happy for her, as hard as it may seem. I think the universe puts things/people in your life for a reason, and for some reason, it feels she needs this baby. Still, that doesn't negate my own feelings.
I had been dealing with my mother and even some close friends/family telling me that there was no way I could have PCOS, that I was over-reacting, that is just wasn't possible, that I needed to wait and let my body do what it was going to do, that it was normal for me to have the issues I was having. I know my body, I know what is normal for me, and NONE of the symptoms I had been having were normal for me. The fact that the people I'm so close with were so dismissive of my worries and concerns was not the support I would have expected from these people. Especially with the more or less undying support I have always given them. Knowing now that what I had worried about all along was the correct line of thinking, and not just over-reacting, is almost cathartic in a sense.
Infertility makes you feel not worthy, it makes you feel sad, it makes you feel like the universe is punishing you, it makes you feel jealous, it makes you feel envious, it makes you feel mad, it makes you mad at everything and worst of all, it makes you feel broken. It makes you feel like you've let your husband down, and yourself. the fact that there is even a chance I'll never be able to conceive naturally; if at all, is utterly terrifying. One of the biggest dreams and wishes in my life, may never happen.
I have found lately that I have to do a lot of meditating. I had to pray, and ask the universe to forgive me for being so mad at my friend, for being so mad at myself, for being mad at it ( the universe), for feeling sorry for myself, and to be able to accept that I cannot change things. I have PCOS, but I am not PCOS. I truly am happy when I hear of my friends or internet friends getting pregnant. For me, it is what it is, and I will just keep trying. Because in all reality, what else can I do?
I have chosen to show the good and the bad on this blog. I am human; therefore, I err.
07 August, 2016
So I wish I could say that this was going to be a happy post, but sadly, it's... Not really at least. Today is Jon's and my one year anniversary of ttc (trying to conceive). Which is utterly devastating. The only thing that has happened outside of the no success, is that we've become so much stronger as a couple. Which is a wonderful thing in it's own way.
But that being said, it is truly disheartening to know that we haven't had any sort of success in the last year. And yes, I am very aware that some people take years to be able to conceive. But that doesn't make this any easier or any less important. We want to be parents, and we want to be parents soon.
Anyone who says "Oh, getting pregnant is the easy part" has obviously never dealt with fertility issues. It's not always that "easy", yes it's fun, that for sure. But you know what's not fun? Never knowing where you are in your cycle, and spending a decent chunk of money every month on HcG tests.... Only to be thoroughly disappointed and heartbroken with negatives or evap lines (don't even fucking get me start on those wee bastards). It's like a small part of your soul just died with every negative. And then every time you go to take a test, you already have this gut feeling of it WILL be negative, because that's what it always is. And the occasional evap/error line where your hopes soar for a moment of two and then come crashing right back down when you realise it's not an actual positive. It's like being punched in the gut and then puched again before you've had time to catch your breath. Excruciating. :(
To the people who mean well when they say "It'll happen", "Don't worry, you have time", "It'll happen when you least expect it", "It'll happen when you stop trying...", or "You just have to wait it out until your body is ready"..... You've obviously never had to ttc, because it is NOT that easy. I get that you're trying to be supportive, but those statements are actually just really hurtful. Even though you don't mean them to be, and here's why. If you've never ttc... Then you have NO idea at all what emotions I'm going through. You've never been in my situation. It's like me telling a cancer patient, "You'll get better, you just have to wait"....how the hell is that even helpful to them? It's not. End of story. Tell me that you feel sympathy to my situation, that you'll pray for me/us (even if it's not my thing, if it's yours, cool), or say something about how you hope we get our BFP (big fat positive) soon. Do not tell me not to worry about it yet, or tell me I have to wait. Fuck that.
That being said, we're trying to let this bother us much. We are young. But when you see 15,16, and 17 year olds having babies or are on baby number x.... It's really fucking hard to be positive. And realising that I literally have no one who truly understands where I'm at with this, and that's tough. Jon is so very supportive, but there's only so much he can do, or do to understand what's going on with my emotions. I wish I had someone who understood and could help to be there when Jon can't outside of the group of ladies I have on a private Instagram account dedicated to ttc.
But that's enough. I have a doctor appointment on the 12th. So hopefully that will get some answers. Or at least get me on the path of answers.
01 August, 2016
So much for doing a blog a week, it's just been too busy for that. So it's gonna be more like every couple weeks, whenever I get a chance to sit and write for more than a minute or two. Lol.
Work has been crazy. When I started here, my normal massage week was 15-18 massages per week. Now, after being here a year, and truly making a name for myself...(You gotta do that in real world by the way, just because you went to a "fancy" school, or have a "fancy"degree, does NOT mean you just "get" what you want in your career. Sorry, not how that works.) ... But after making a name for myself, I now do anywhere between 20-28 massages a week now. So, busy, busy... That's for sure. Makes some damn good money too.
I've come to realise that I really only have, outside of Jon... Two, maybe three truly good friends anymore. Ones that I get more than one word responses to my texts/news, that's really fecking annoying. Might as well not even answer back at that point. Or people who say I don't text them.... The phone clearly works both ways.... Take advantage of it. Jeebus. O.O
We did a LOT of travelling in July... So much so that we've decided not to go back to Toledo until the weekend of October 8th for a concert... And that's it. No one comes to visit us, so we are officially done travelling up that way for the time being. When I've lived down here for three years now and have had people visit 3-4 times in that three year span, who then turn around and complain that we don't visit them enough. Especially when we attempt to visit with these people EVERY-damn-TIME we travel to Toledo; the 15-20 times we normally do in a year. But oh well, not really my problem.
Other than that, we have a wedding to go to in a few weeks. Super excited for that. The last member of Suspect Earth is finally getting married. Better be, after 17 years with his soon to be wife. xD
Oh, Pokemon Go... Awesome! Need I say more?! Lots more walking going on in our lives. Lol.
Hmm, going back to uni fell through. Of course it did. :/ It was just too difficult to go down to the university and change my name, they made the process way too difficult and involved. And of course, you can't do it online, or send it in the mail. You HAVE to do it in person or fax it over. Why the heck can't I snail mail it to the office, but I can fax it?! And there was never time/openings to go take the placement tests, except during the hours that I'm at work. Awesome. I guess I'll shoot for spring. Maybe. I dunno. Maybe I'll just go live under a rock. I'm good at that. Lol. Plus it gives me a little more time to decide what I want to go back for, seeing as anthropology may not be a cost effective thing to go back to uni for... even though I REALLY want to. :(
Vegemite = ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Saddened that season 2 of Outlander is over and now I have to wait for the next season. Nothing else to watch now. Kinda given up on a lot of shows. Oh well... more walks outside I suppose! xD
I've delved into the world of sewing once again. Broke down months ago and finally bought a sewing machine. Taught myself to use it and now it's sewing all the time. ALL the fabric. Lol. On top of that, I've also spiralled downward into the world of planners. Like daily planners.... ALL the stickers and ALL the organisation. xD
But that's enough for now. :)