09 August, 2011

Addiction...

      I can safely assume that no one really reads this, so I'm gonna let off some steam and rant. Not that I blame ya for not reading it, it's not terribly interesting; though you have to admit that I talk quite a bit here and I guess that sorta makes up for my epic silence outside of the blog. <--- Not at all.   I know I'm too quiet, I get that... but do I even attempt to fix that? Not really.  >.< Seriously something I need to work on because it truly pisses off people. I hate pissing people off, I really do... especially when it's someone I really care about. *sigh* Really have to work on that. 
     Next thing I'm gonna go on about that I really need to get off my chest. Remember in a previous blog when I mentioned we'd talk about addiction in another discussion (refer to the blog from 7 May, 2011 if you’ve no idea what I’m talking about) Yeah, this would be that discussion, no time like the present. And before you get the wrong idea, no I don't have an addiction (not a major one). Sadly though due to recent events we've slowly come to realise that my mother is addicted to painkillers. I think deep down we all knew it, but when she started passing out on the steps, at the table or other random places and would forget the date, where she was, or who she was talking to... we were completely sure. I know I shouldn't post it here, but atm it's the only place I can; the people I would normally talk to have kinda gone poof. v.v
     I don't know how to react to this, I mean I love my mother. Don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart, but how does one go about reacting to a parent having an addiction? I mean I could deny she has a problem, but what good would that be? Umm, it wouldn't do any good, I know that; but it also doesn't help that no other family members seem to believe she has a problem (even those who have seen it first hand ffs). Hell, she can't/ won't admit she has a problem either, which is of course not unheard of with addicts. But if she can't admit she has a problem how is anyone supposed to help? *head-desk* I wish someone would just f*ckin' tell me what I need to do to fix this. 
     However, this whole thing has made me decide to not take pain killers, unless absolutely necessary. I don't want to end up doing what my mother has done. Starting out on low dose / low strength painkillers and moving up the totem pole as it were. Like I said, I love my mother, I respect her and look up to her; she's a strong woman, but this makes it difficult to see that strength... it's almost like she's completely given up. I want my old mum back, the one who could go all day in the garden and still have the energy to go fishing after; the one who no matter what you did cared to listen to what happened. I don't want the mum that goes off on people when she hasn't been able to basically drug herself into a stupor because she had to work. 
     Am I wrong for wanting that? I feel like such a horrible daughter for wanting that and not being able to help her. I feel utterly useless when it comes to this. I should be able to f*cking help her and I can't. >.<  I don't want to lose her forever, but if she keeps it up that's what's going to happen. If she doesn't end up killing herself with the drugs, she'll end up losing the people she loves most. Again I feel like a horrid daughter for even thinking that way. Hell, I feel horrid for having to unload on all of you, and well for posting this. I probably shouldn't have, but I needed to vent somewhere... and this was the most logical place. 
     But now you know part of why I disappeared there for a bit. It was too much stress for me to deal with and just felt like an utter failure for not being able to help my own mother. And I can't say that this has really made me feel any better, but it did help some to make it hurt less I suppose. But I think that is enough of me going off on all of you with my problems, so I shall end it here. <---- Kinda regret posting this already.

     Thanks lovelies for just listening and being there. Xxxxx